No Sex Zone : My Journey of Celibacy

About two-ish years ago, I decided to go on a journey of celibacy and not date ANYONE. I thought I had enough on my plate being a full-time single mother for my daughter and didn’t need to add dating to the mix. I was yearning for change deep inside myself. HEALING WAS NEEDED!!! I needed to step up to the plate not only for my daughter but for myself. So, I put myself in the “NO SEX ZONE”.

It probably isn’t a big deal for most people and I am sure some have done it easily for many reasons. However, this was a big deal for me. Before this, the longest I have gone without having sex or dating someone was 9 months and that was over 15 years ago. Some would say I used sex like a soft drug. I’ve been called many names under the sun for my promiscuous ways. I loved sex. I yearned for sex. I needed sex. And all to make me feel better about myself. To feel wanted. To feel adored. To feel loved. Yet, within a few minutes after having sex, I went right back to feeling like shit about myself.

Celibacy was the best decision I made for myself and my daughter. We became the center of my attention. I got to feel how it was to truly be a single parent, an adult, and deeply feel the struggles of loneliness, lack, self-doubt, self-worth. I had to learn to be more present, be in the moment and feel my experiences. Being single and celibate brought me more self-love and taught me the importance of self-nourishment. It brought me more time to spend watching my daughter grow and to care for myself.

It is very easy to feel alone when you have spent most your life in and out of relationships searching for that special someone to come in your life. However, there was a missing link. HEALING WAS NEEDED!!! If I wanted that special someone in my life I needed to find that special someone within myself first. I had to face my fears and see myself. I had to dig inside myself and see my own darkness, my own demons. I had to spend time with myself.


Thankfully, I have my daughter around. It helps me see myself on a whole different level. Children will bring out the best and the worst aspects of yourself. It’s no joke! And you have to make the choice to let yourself see both sides. Not ignore the shit that comes up. And shit will come up and does come up often. The hardest part is not taking it out on my daughter, myself and then owning it. Choosing not to let those temper tantrums trigger me, yet seeing where my triggers are coming from. Deeply acknowledging the crap that comes up. It doesn’t sound like fun and truly isn’t, but it’s extremely rewarding when you see the results.

A few months ago, I decided to unlock and open the door to dating again. This time I was not going to have sex right away with anyone. I was going to play the field and see where it takes me. So, I decided to do an experiment and go on a few dating websites to see what was out there. And boy has it been an eye-opening experience. Honestly, there are a lot of lonely people out there desperate for love from something outside of themselves. And they want it to magically appear in front of them on a golden platter but don’t want to put in the effort.


As I was sifting through profile after profile of men of all different walks of the earth, more and more of my own past issues of self-worth and self-love kept popping up. Have you ever had experience filling out a dating profile? Yeah, not very exciting unless you enjoy writing and talking about yourself. I didn’t know how much to put myself out there or even what to say. Then, searching for pictures that showed my best qualities. Questioning myself on even if I bother. Finally, deciding the best is to be blunt and show pictures of my everyday self.

Reading each one of the profiles felt like I was interviewing a candidate for a job. It is very similar to reading someone’s resume, but at least with a resume, I could check the accuracy of their words. The most interesting thing I found was how many people lie on their profile. Having pictures of themselves from 10+ years ago to even saying they are 5 years younger to get placed into a younger category. Saying they don’t smoke when they have just started cutting back. Or saying they don’t have kids yet they do but their kids don’t live with them.

Dating seemed a little bit more challenging these days. And I am assuming it might be because the desperation of finding “the one” is no longer there. I have recently taken myself off dating websites at this point. I am sure it works for some and its a great platform for meeting new people. However, I am going to let it happen organically.


Because of all the work I have been doing on my inner self, I am able to see the dating world differently this time around. However, it did take me a few weeks to get my feet wet and sift through my self-sabotage. But I learned, the best way is to put myself out there honestly and truthfully. Having no desperation on finding “the one” and enjoying being picky. Not in a sense of “bitchiness” but being compassionate yet firm in knowing what works for me. Being able to feel people out and letting people know truthfully if I’m interested or not. Knowing what feels good and knowing what feels shitty. Not feeling rejected if someone doesn’t choose me. And definitely not wasting time on the “buts or coulds”. “But maybe he could change his dreams and goals in life for me…” NO! NO! NO! Biggest lesson: They are who they are and you are who you are. If you are not willing to accept them fully for who they are, then walk away. It truly is about honoring your journey and honoring their journey.

Loving myself first. – Keirstin Proud


LOVE – The Foundation of Life

Love is the foundation of your existence, and you’re just as worthy of receiving as you are of giving love and compassion.

This is an important time to care, nurture and love YOURSELF. Being able to experience this power and energy is something most people strive for on a daily basis. It can be something that can also destroy you if you strive for it negatively. We are born with pure love and then as we grow older we are taught many other things about love through our parents, grandparents, teachers, society, events in our lives, etc. This can affect our perspective of what LOVE truly is.



Love isn’t just a word you say to your “love ones”. Love is much more than a simple 4 letter word. Love is everything and nothing at the same time. Love is transforming. Love is beautiful. LOVE IS YOU! YOU ARE LOVE! Now is the time to change your life and see your self-worth. Time to analyze what you are letting in your life. What types of people do you hang around? Do they represent love and help uplift you? If not, it might be time to love yourself more and honor yourself by creating new loving relationships. Number 1 is starting to create a loving relationship with YOU! You can start your journey of self-love by sitting for 5 minutes with your hand on your heart, breathing deeply and feeling love radiate inside of you. By doing this simple exercise daily, you can start feeling a shift within yourself and your whole life. This will help you send love inwards for yourself and outwards towards others more compassionately.

…it will allow you to receive and give love, and to radiate as the pure soul that you truly are. – John Holland, The Spirit Messages Daily Guidance Oracle Deck

Willow’s Numerology Picks

From time to time ​I let my daughter choose cards for the week. Her insight is amazing when she’s not trying to be a big goofball. It is easier for children to connect to the Divine energy because they haven’t yet been programmed by other & society.

Here are Willow’s picks from the Numerology Oracle cards, by Michelle Buchanan, to take you through the week. Sit and breathe 3 deep breaths to center yourself before reading. 💜

44 ENVIRONMENT – Time to focus on the environment and learning more of what is happening behind the scenes and how you can make an impact. Honor Mother Earth as living and breathing being. Also encouraging you to adjust to and harmonize with the natural rhythms and cycles of your life.

1 NEW BEGINNINGS – Time of new beginnings and opening yourself up to your inner knowing of what steps you need to take next. Encouraging you to find the courage & inner strength to step into the unknown. Let yourself feel the fear yet do it anyway and create a new life.

33 COMMUNICATION – Time to communicate your thoughts and feelings and have the courage to speak your truth. Step out of the fear & judgements from others and express yourself honestly. Encouraging you to express yourself freely through writing, singing, speaking, dance, music, acting, art. Honest communication is key.

99 COMPASSION – Time to be compassionate & kind to yourself and others. You are being asked to look beyond your judgements to see what lies beneath. Encourages to open your heart and mind to see yourself & others through the eyes of love. By doing this you are aligning yourself to the Divine.

Truth – What is Yours?

A couple of weeks ago, I had a sales person come to the door, of the place I work, looking to sell us a payment system. Now, I am new and I wasn’t sure if they already used his services or not, so, I asked him to come in to get the number of the person he needed to contact regarding his services. While I was writing down the information he started asking me about the symbols I was wearing dangling on a black cord around my neck. I wear a Sri Yantra and an Ankh symbol because I resonate with their meanings. I am not sure if you are aware, but explaining these meanings while at work is not exactly a quick process. So I said, “This one is called the Sri Yantra. It is originated from Hindu philosophy and connects with balance. This one is called an Ankh and it originated in Egypt and represents life.”

At this point he asked me about Jesus and if I believed in him. I said yes. Then he got on his phone and asked me if he could read me something. Me being kind, I said yes. He started reciting a passage from the bible. After he was done, he asked me who the passage was talking about. At this point, I wanted to get back to work and knew this wasn’t a conversation my boss would enjoy paying me for. Don’t get me wrong, I love talking about spiritual stuff, but that is not in my job description.

The passage was about truth and Jesus’s path. I don’t remember which one and I’m not sure it is actually relevant for this post.  But this man was determined to tell me his truth on how he interpreted this passage. During one of his pauses from him sharing his thoughts, I thanked him and asked the gentleman if he needed anything more from me, for business purposes, and told him I needed to get back to work. He didn’t seem to get the memo I was trying to put out there. He walked to the door and continued to tell me that my truth was the wrong truth and I would be going to hell for it. I was very confused on what he was trying to convey to me considering I already told him I believed in Jesus and Jesus’s message.

I asked the gentleman to leave once again and explained to him that I really needed to get back to work. He again refused to leave. At this point, I was starting to get worried and I will be honest, a little scared. My body started shaking and I was preparing myself for the worst. I tried listening to him, but it was hard to hear what he was saying because of fear that was boiling inside of me from him refusing to leave. Something I do remember him saying, “If you believe in Jesus’s truth then you wouldn’t be acting this way.” Again, dumbfounded by what he is saying and scared what his next move is going to be. I asked him for the 3rd time to please leave. He walked to the door like he was going to leave. I got a sense of relief only for a moment, however. It didn’t end and he didn’t honor my request. He came away from the door closer to where I was standing. I was thanking God at that moment for their being a huge desk in between us. He continued to tell me, “If your truth is wrong then you will live eternally in hell. If my truth is wrong, I will only live this lifetime in hell.” I found this to be the most interesting comment of the entire exchange.

I had enough at this point and told him he needed to leave or I was calling the police. Thankfully he finally got that memo I sent. He walked to the door and left leaving me with one more thing, TRUTH. MY TRUTH. Knowing that everyone has their own truth and beliefs. No one right and no one wrong in the eyes of truth. He believed what he was saying so passionately that, to him, it was truth. I didn’t particularly believe what he was preaching and felt as if it was quite an aggressive way to express his message, however, I honored his path, to a degree, of him overstepping boundaries. That is MY truth.

The one thing I am certain about is that there is a higher power greater than our own and we live on ONE world and we are destroying it and each other by thinking everyone needs to be living our truth. What is your truth? Do you feel so passionately about it that you would harm another for it? Do you even know your own truth?

Living in a Fear of Change

This past 3 weeks I have been working crazy hours to get my businesses up and running. Something I have dreamed about for most my adult life. I spent way too many years not doing what I wanted to do and after getting my butt kicked at an entrepreneur event, I decide to push myself to the limits and get out of the fears of change and stability. I feared of not being liked, not having enough, not being good enough, not having anyone follow or like me, and on and on. So many fears come up when things need to be changed. Its how you decide to use those fears and let them run you. I am choosing NOW to use fear today to push me out of my comfort zone and get my butt out there and stop hiding.

UPDATE: I still continue to work on releasing the fears that come from starting your own business without support of the people closest to you. Each day I have to have a constant reminder that I can do this. I CAN do this. I CAN do this. I CAN do this. Repeating that to myself has helped me stay grounded and in my “go to” attitude. It might be a simple statement however, for me, it works (most of the time). I might find myself being super stressed out and crying because I am a perfectionist and want everything to happen NOW and my way, like most people. But for the most part, when I come back and recite these simple words to myself, it brings me back to my center and reminds me of why I am doing this.

What statement works for you? Is there something you have been meaning to do but let fear stop you? What can you do for yourself today to make that first step in creating that life you always wanted?

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