No Sex Zone : My Journey of Celibacy

About two-ish years ago, I decided to go on a journey of celibacy and not date ANYONE. I thought I had enough on my plate being a full-time single mother for my daughter and didn’t need to add dating to the mix. I was yearning for change deep inside myself. HEALING WAS NEEDED!!! I needed to step up to the plate not only for my daughter but for myself. So, I put myself in the “NO SEX ZONE”.

It probably isn’t a big deal for most people and I am sure some have done it easily for many reasons. However, this was a big deal for me. Before this, the longest I have gone without having sex or dating someone was 9 months and that was over 15 years ago. Some would say I used sex like a soft drug. I’ve been called many names under the sun for my promiscuous ways. I loved sex. I yearned for sex. I needed sex. And all to make me feel better about myself. To feel wanted. To feel adored. To feel loved. Yet, within a few minutes after having sex, I went right back to feeling like shit about myself.

Celibacy was the best decision I made for myself and my daughter. We became the center of my attention. I got to feel how it was to truly be a single parent, an adult, and deeply feel the struggles of loneliness, lack, self-doubt, self-worth. I had to learn to be more present, be in the moment and feel my experiences. Being single and celibate brought me more self-love and taught me the importance of self-nourishment. It brought me more time to spend watching my daughter grow and to care for myself.

It is very easy to feel alone when you have spent most your life in and out of relationships searching for that special someone to come in your life. However, there was a missing link. HEALING WAS NEEDED!!! If I wanted that special someone in my life I needed to find that special someone within myself first. I had to face my fears and see myself. I had to dig inside myself and see my own darkness, my own demons. I had to spend time with myself.

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Thankfully, I have my daughter around. It helps me see myself on a whole different level. Children will bring out the best and the worst aspects of yourself. It’s no joke! And you have to make the choice to let yourself see both sides. Not ignore the shit that comes up. And shit will come up and does come up often. The hardest part is not taking it out on my daughter, myself and then owning it. Choosing not to let those temper tantrums trigger me, yet seeing where my triggers are coming from. Deeply acknowledging the crap that comes up. It doesn’t sound like fun and truly isn’t, but it’s extremely rewarding when you see the results.

A few months ago, I decided to unlock and open the door to dating again. This time I was not going to have sex right away with anyone. I was going to play the field and see where it takes me. So, I decided to do an experiment and go on a few dating websites to see what was out there. And boy has it been an eye-opening experience. Honestly, there are a lot of lonely people out there desperate for love from something outside of themselves. And they want it to magically appear in front of them on a golden platter but don’t want to put in the effort.

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As I was sifting through profile after profile of men of all different walks of the earth, more and more of my own past issues of self-worth and self-love kept popping up. Have you ever had experience filling out a dating profile? Yeah, not very exciting unless you enjoy writing and talking about yourself. I didn’t know how much to put myself out there or even what to say. Then, searching for pictures that showed my best qualities. Questioning myself on even if I bother. Finally, deciding the best is to be blunt and show pictures of my everyday self.

Reading each one of the profiles felt like I was interviewing a candidate for a job. It is very similar to reading someone’s resume, but at least with a resume, I could check the accuracy of their words. The most interesting thing I found was how many people lie on their profile. Having pictures of themselves from 10+ years ago to even saying they are 5 years younger to get placed into a younger category. Saying they don’t smoke when they have just started cutting back. Or saying they don’t have kids yet they do but their kids don’t live with them.

Dating seemed a little bit more challenging these days. And I am assuming it might be because the desperation of finding “the one” is no longer there. I have recently taken myself off dating websites at this point. I am sure it works for some and its a great platform for meeting new people. However, I am going to let it happen organically.

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Because of all the work I have been doing on my inner self, I am able to see the dating world differently this time around. However, it did take me a few weeks to get my feet wet and sift through my self-sabotage. But I learned, the best way is to put myself out there honestly and truthfully. Having no desperation on finding “the one” and enjoying being picky. Not in a sense of “bitchiness” but being compassionate yet firm in knowing what works for me. Being able to feel people out and letting people know truthfully if I’m interested or not. Knowing what feels good and knowing what feels shitty. Not feeling rejected if someone doesn’t choose me. And definitely not wasting time on the “buts or coulds”. “But maybe he could change his dreams and goals in life for me…” NO! NO! NO! Biggest lesson: They are who they are and you are who you are. If you are not willing to accept them fully for who they are, then walk away. It truly is about honoring your journey and honoring their journey.

Loving myself first. – Keirstin Proud

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The Reason I WILL Raise my Daughter to look up to Wonder Woman

I initially resisted going to see the new Wonder Woman movie because of the sex symbols Hollywood puts on women. Why should I sit there supporting a flick that uses women’s bodies to get money? However, I kept hearing from my female friends how wonderful the movie was. So I gave in. The day came when I had some free time and a friend of mine asked me to go with her. Well, thankfully, I was very pleasantly surprised. Throughout the entire movie, I was having moments of enlightenment that intertwined with all the spiritual training I have done throughout my life. It opened up realizations of myself of my own warrior and godliness inside of me.

she represents both feminine and masculine qualities.

To me, Wonder Woman is the true symbol of what a woman healer, on this planet, should strive to be. She represents pure love, hope, and acceptance that humans will possibly have a dark side to themselves. It is her service and duty to do what she needs to do to balance that out for the world. In my eyes, she represents both feminine and masculine qualities. She is the type of woman I want my daughter to look up to.

I want my daughter to see this in herself. To strive to be everything she can be in her life. To live a life filled with passion and drive for doing what she feels guided to do. I want my daughter to feel and see her godliness from the inside out. To be able to be the warrior when needed. To not be judged for being female. To be free to be who she is.

Believe in Yourself

This is something I longed for in my life. This is someone I wished I was able to see in myself. I don’t want her to wait until she is in her 30’s, to find out, that she can live the life she wants to live. That she can be gentle yet strong. That she can be feminine yet masculine. That she is a goddess and a warrior of her life.

I will raise my daughter to not only look up to Wonder Woman but to strive to be the best person she can be. And the best way to do this is to start with myself.

 

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Pride Festival Reflection

I had the honor to share a booth, at the Pride Festival, with one of my good friends, Elena, owner of Sit Means Sit in St. Petersburg, FL. It was a very enlightening experience. I have never had the chance to attend such an event, even though I have always wanted to be there to support. I left with the overwhelming feeling of how badly people are not able to express themselves fully on a daily basis. That there has to be a special occasion to actually let ourselves free as we truly are. This is mind boggling to me. I mean, I sort of got it before, but this event really opened my eyes. The people there were allowed to express themselves as who and what ever they wanted to and it was ok. At least from my view, it was full of love and there wasn’t any violence.

The only negative energy I received, the entire time at the festival, was from other Reiki practitioners. I was giving free Reiki to whomever wanted to sit for 5-10 minutes, in the heat, and receive some light. I didn’t see the harm. However, there were 3 older women, all on different occasions, come up and ask me if I was a Reiki Master or not. And when I told them I was a 2nd step, they proceeded to tell me “well I am a master” and walk away. I don’t know about you, but I love me some free Reiki. Also, I’ve had crappy Reiki experiences from all walks of Earth, 1st steps, 2nd steps and Reiki masters. It has to do with how clear you are with opening yourself up to being a conduit of the light, at least in my experience. Honestly, the snobbery within healers really needs to stop. That is not what we are here to do. This will be written more about in another blog.

So, in my reflection, my overall experience of being a vendor at the Pride Festival was pretty darn good. I was able to give Reiki to about 10 people, sold a few pride rainbow bracelets, enjoyed laughter with many and watched people being who they truly are for the moment.

LOVE – The Foundation of Life

Love is the foundation of your existence, and you’re just as worthy of receiving as you are of giving love and compassion.

This is an important time to care, nurture and love YOURSELF. Being able to experience this power and energy is something most people strive for on a daily basis. It can be something that can also destroy you if you strive for it negatively. We are born with pure love and then as we grow older we are taught many other things about love through our parents, grandparents, teachers, society, events in our lives, etc. This can affect our perspective of what LOVE truly is.

LOVE IS ENERGY

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Love isn’t just a word you say to your “love ones”. Love is much more than a simple 4 letter word. Love is everything and nothing at the same time. Love is transforming. Love is beautiful. LOVE IS YOU! YOU ARE LOVE! Now is the time to change your life and see your self-worth. Time to analyze what you are letting in your life. What types of people do you hang around? Do they represent love and help uplift you? If not, it might be time to love yourself more and honor yourself by creating new loving relationships. Number 1 is starting to create a loving relationship with YOU! You can start your journey of self-love by sitting for 5 minutes with your hand on your heart, breathing deeply and feeling love radiate inside of you. By doing this simple exercise daily, you can start feeling a shift within yourself and your whole life. This will help you send love inwards for yourself and outwards towards others more compassionately.

…it will allow you to receive and give love, and to radiate as the pure soul that you truly are. – John Holland, The Spirit Messages Daily Guidance Oracle Deck

Willow’s Numerology Picks

From time to time ​I let my daughter choose cards for the week. Her insight is amazing when she’s not trying to be a big goofball. It is easier for children to connect to the Divine energy because they haven’t yet been programmed by other & society.

Here are Willow’s picks from the Numerology Oracle cards, by Michelle Buchanan, to take you through the week. Sit and breathe 3 deep breaths to center yourself before reading. 💜

44 ENVIRONMENT – Time to focus on the environment and learning more of what is happening behind the scenes and how you can make an impact. Honor Mother Earth as living and breathing being. Also encouraging you to adjust to and harmonize with the natural rhythms and cycles of your life.

1 NEW BEGINNINGS – Time of new beginnings and opening yourself up to your inner knowing of what steps you need to take next. Encouraging you to find the courage & inner strength to step into the unknown. Let yourself feel the fear yet do it anyway and create a new life.

33 COMMUNICATION – Time to communicate your thoughts and feelings and have the courage to speak your truth. Step out of the fear & judgements from others and express yourself honestly. Encouraging you to express yourself freely through writing, singing, speaking, dance, music, acting, art. Honest communication is key.

99 COMPASSION – Time to be compassionate & kind to yourself and others. You are being asked to look beyond your judgements to see what lies beneath. Encourages to open your heart and mind to see yourself & others through the eyes of love. By doing this you are aligning yourself to the Divine.

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